Letter's Week: Still Standing Still by Bradley Walker

3:53 am, PST..

I gotta skip the pleasantries..

Not because they aren't pleasant..  I love it (at least I remember what it's like) when I say hello to you..  The look you give/gave always makes/made me feel a way..  A good way..

 

But fuck that..

All that..

What I came to tell you is kinda important..  And kinda long..

Aiight..  Here we go:

"Everything about you makes me wanna go a little bit harder.."

That's not only one of my favorite lines from an R&B nigga (Eric Bellinger)..  It also perfectly summarizes the hold you have on me..

 

Shit..

 

Yeah, get comfortable..  Pour a glass of whatever you prefer..  We gon' be a while..

 

Let's start from the beginning..

I met you August 4th, ***4

By October 4th, I had been intrigued by you to the point that you had already made one of my "all time" lists..  By November 4th, I was calling home asking my sister what "these kinds of feelings meant"?  

Sheeeesh!!

No way was I in love..

Let's back up a moment:

One of my favorite movies is Ocean's 11..  You got your nickname because of a scene in that film..  The scene where Linus is reporting to Rusty about Terry Benedict, and he sees Terry's woman and goes, "This is the best part of my day!"  Meeting you felt just like that..  And  I've modified that quote a little to give you the nickname I always refer to you by..

This is intense for me..  

Reliving these moments is kinda weird..  But I digress..

That's basically how this thing of ours started..  So now here I am in November, only 3 months, after introducing myself to you, having actual feelings..

But..

Love?  

Nah..  

See my perception of that shit is based in greed..  

Not totally..  

My family is different..  

But..

I've had 3 real ass girlfriends..  Every other "situation" was practice..  I've always had a woman on a personal/sexual level that I "didn't want to lose" so I convinced myself and her that I loved her..   

And if I'm being honest, there's some women in my life that I absolutely love with everything that makes me me..  

 

But all that pales in comparison to you..

 

In a contest, you'd win..

In a pageant, you'd place first..

In a track meet, you'd get the gold..

Every..  Fucking.. Time..

There's no comparison..  

 

That's awesome!  For me that's awesome..  That's pretty damn amazing!!

But that shit ain't love..  It can't be..  Can it?

 

Nah..

 

You GOTTA be "the one I could never "get"", or the one I "wonder if" about..  That HAS to be it..  Like that's the most logical option here..  And I'd honestly be ok with this assessment if it weren't for this very small, but major point: 

 

I think about you everyday..  Multiple times per day..

 

And I can't explain it..

 

I was just telling Mary how I've realized that I've been blocking every attempt to settle down/find love because I'm ABSOLUTELY. POSITIVELY.  OBSESSED!!!!!! with being THE NAME in entertainment...  Like..  Seriously obsessed...  

And I have "found something wrong" with countless remarkable women all because I "crave making it"..

However..

With you?

YOU!?

I'd find a way..

I'd drive wherever as long as you're riding shotgun..

I'd be the best "balancing" sumbitch in the world..   

I'd put as much of me into making you a priority as I do my career..

I'd show you off like a trophy with no shame every chance I get..

I'd soak up everything you said like a sponge because I admire the shit out of you..

How I see you could never be tainted..  

I'm your number one fan..

I get fresh like I'm gonna run into you daily..

I still write you daily letters..

I still remember the last one you read..

I'm still as into you as I was when you allowed our first date to be on your birthday..

I'm still calling you by your nickname..

I'm still poppin' shit at you in my songs..  Lol. (Yep..  "Whole album!" Lol)

I'm still....

Scared as fuck..

I'm scared of you actually giving me a shot..

I'm scared of you actually giving me a shot, And I make it!!

What if you take this ride with me?  

It was hard af to get you!  How do I keep up the "Brad" that got you to say yes?  

As much as I want you, I'm afraid of you..

And look:  You wasn't checking for me then..  So I know you aren't now..

But on August 4th, 2???, the day I met you I said, "She fuck around could be my wife.."

I didn't know I meant it..

I didn't know I wanted it..

I didn't know I wanted you..

 

I asked earlier if "love" is what this is:  

Shit..  If it isn't love, why do I feel this way?

Until next time,

-Brad